He has Risen

Oh, I wish I could say I followed through with my plans from yesterday. I suppose I still could say it, though it wouldn’t be true. I did get close enough to get the picture I wanted, with a three hundred millimeter zoom lens, while rested on my car still at my campsite. I will climb that hill again, yet this morning my legs had a simple clear message for me: today was a day of rest.

I suppose it is a good thing that my legs hurt this much, or are this sore I should say, as it is not a ‘pain’ in my full definition of the word. Yet whether it’s good or not, doesn’t change the fact that I’m not able to walk that much two days in a row.

Today was hot, very warm. With a combination of not walking much today (just over four thousand steps,) and that I have a very sparse campsite setup right now (just my small tent to sleep in,) I spent a lot of time in my car today. With my twelve volt fan blowing right on the back of my head, I’m surprised how cool I can feel as the thermometer tells me it was over ninety five. Trying to create shade is the hardest part, I’m glad I have a piece of ZP fabric with me.  One of those odd things I grabbed in my rush leaving Michigan, four yards of zero porosity rip stop nylon. At the time, I’m not sure what I was thinking, other than it was small enough to fit. Yet I have used it quite a bit for temperature moderation.

Two uses: usually as a top blanket when sleeping in my car, secondly, and becoming more often, as a shade when I drape it over my car.  It might look a bit odd, yet I’ll have both doors open with their windows up, then pull the fabric across the windshield (secured under the wipers,) and around the drivers side of my car, using an assortment of magnets to hold it in place.  It flaps a bit with the wind, yet not so bad, and more than worth the cooling shade it gives.

Today really has me thinking of spring and rebirth.  It’s now been a day past fifteen months since my incident and honestly, I’m kinda sick of that being such a major milestone. I’m really glad that I’ve kept this journal, as when I go back and read a post from months ago, I can so easily put myself back into that day and remember how I felt, how my leg felt and what progress I’ve made along the way.

And I certainly cannot deny the progress, yet, I’ve come to realize that I don’t believe I’ll ever get what I wanted: a full recovery. Somehow, this whole time I keep writing day by day, waiting for that day that I can say “Hey look, I can run and jump just like I used to.”  Yet, that day is not coming. And I can’t wait for it, even if I knew it was. It’s time to get busy living.

So what does that mean?  Well, income I guess. I have to find a way to be productive with the way my body is now- or finally decide to hire a lawyer and file for disability.. or maybe hire that same lawyer and see if there are any possible lawsuits from the care, or lack of care I received due to the Florida hospital mismanaging my treatment and medical records transfer to Michigan.

These of course were some of the same choices I’ve had over the last nine months at least (when I found out that the three to six month recovery I was told was BS.) Yet, neither seem to agree with me.  I just don’t feel good about taking either path.  Yet a path has to be taken. Without the ability to work, I either have to sustain myself from the government tit or become litigious- or continue on the path I’m on.  This is the path God led me on after all: to abandon my home, drive to Texas and live in campgrounds and camping on public land.

Oh, He led, I followed. The restoration of my body was my highest priority. It does seem a bit odd as I think back, yet I am certain that up until now I’ve done the right things. I truly believe that if I would have stayed in Jackson, I would be dead by now; most likely a drug overdose.

Yet, yesterday I climbed a mountain (or a hill,) and today I’m sore, and tomorrow I’ll go do it again (and go farther.) If I can climb a mountain- even a little one- then I think I can go back to Jackson to handle my final business there: my house. Yes, I suppose I could never return, sooner or later someone from the bank would take care of it.  Well- that’s the problem, they wouldn’t take care of it. It would be repo’d, returned to the bank, and sold off at auction.

I knew that when I left, yet at the time that was okay. Better than staying and dying in my house. Yet, I’m not the same person I was almost four months ago when I left. Now I’m well over one hundred days clean from Oxycodone. I’m physically stronger- I can walk miles even when I need to (yet I can’t go twenty feet without pain.) I’ve simple gotten used to pursing my lips and forcing a smile when I’m around others.  That was one thing I liked about Brantley Lake, in it’s seclusion I could just do my walks everyday without have to worry about the grimace on my face.

Over this weekend, my mind has been opened to this possibility.  I still want to be in Alaska this summer- I want to be there in about six weeks. I also need income (to make sure I have the gas money to get there!) So, what do I do until then?

I’ve been focused entirely on my physical and mental health, at the cost of my financial health (and I feel okay with that prioritization.) Yet facts are facts, I haven’t worked in over sixteen months, my bank account is utterly drained and gone, two months behind on my mortgage and every other bill in the world. (Yet, I am healthy and happy, so there is that..) So what do I do?

Pray.  I could continue rebuilding strength and steps as I bounce my way north from another month- or I could do the same on my way to Jackson.  For what I’ve asked myself (or am I asking God when I talk to myself..?) What would I do when I got there.  I think of my bed, oh that would be nice – yet really, I am perfectly adjusted to my current sleeping arrangments. I think of my shower, oh I do really love that shower, such a large stall and a never ending on demand water heater.  Oh, I could imagine an hour long shower at least. Mostly, I think of the convenience of a flush toilet twenty steps from my bed.

Yet, those creature comforts aren’t enough, I don’t care if I’ve comfortable, because even there I wouldn’t be. I’m not comfortable here, my body hurts if I sit, or if I stand, or if I lay down, when I move and when I hold still. So what is the thought that has me thinking of driving fifteen hundred miles NOT in the directly of Alaska: a yard sale then, eventually, a house sale.

Here I am needing work to do, and there is house needing to cleaned and emptied and listed for sale.  I don’t think I need to stick around for the paper work, an agent can handle that.  Yet, to mow the lawn and clean the house could be the difference of ten thousand or more in sale price. And, although it’s not that I have a ton of possessions there, yet even just selling off TV’s, computers, furniture, beds, radios, etc.. I could probably earn thousands.

Which then made me think, if I did earn thousands, I could catch up my mortgage and maybe keep it paid while I go to Alaska.  Certainly, if I went to Alaska first- there would be no possibility for Jackson after.

A yard sale.. a chance to repack my car (now with three months of experience, I would do this a little differently.) However, I’m also worried. See God doesn’t ever really tell me what His plans for me are. He leads me, He excites me toward some lofty goal and usually by time I’ve half way there, He’ll just say “oh that’s great. Now stop and go do this..” Also, I’m afraid of my own tendency (how human I am) to avoid pain- given the chance that first morning I woke up there, would I start to clean and sort for sale– or would rest and start tomorrow, or the next day.  I’m afraid that going back could be another slow easy way to stay, and fail again.

Can I go to Jackson, do what I need to do and get out again? Is it worth the risk?

Okay, I’m tired and kinda feeling head rushed. I enjoyed my steak dinner tonight – a feast for the day. Yet I earned it with fasting for the weekend.  Tomorrow is going to be a thoughtful day.. third day without pot? fourth? I don’t know, just didn’t feel like it this weekend.

So tomorrow- a big walk up the hill, and I think a drive into Alamogordo, as I should have a package arriving.

Okay, that’s enough of my mind for tonight.. nothing firm here, just a bit of the goo from between my ears.

Time to rest.



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