Waking up

Eight days. I’ll skip the “I’m a bad blogger” line, this time.  This is the first time I’ve opened my laptop since I closed it at the last writing. I used the standup desktop a bit to look at the APRS maps and stuff, otherwise I’ve played with the dog.  The adorable cover me with kisses stage is over, he’s seen daddy growl. He’s seen that if daddy says we’re going to clip his nails, we’re going to clip his nails.

He looked at me sideways the rest of the night. Finally when I went to bed (which lately has been hours before I go to sleep,) I invited him up onto my bed. He jumped up and took an opposite corner. Thinking about it for a second, I put him down to the floor- I wasn’t willing to give up ownership of a part of my bed. He laid on the floor for a while,  a bit bored with his toys and treats up on my bed. In a few minutes I invited, well, commanded him up again with “come”, to which he came, happy to be in the top spot again. He snagged a toy, circled and went back to the opposite corner.

“Come”, “drop it”, and “down” followed, to which he complied perfectly. Back on the floor for quite while longer- even went into the back of my walk-in closet where he’s got another blanket bed upstairs (in addition to the one in the hallway in case my door was closed when/if I ever command him upstairs without me (he’s already learned he can not go upstairs unless I am.) After we went outside again, I didn’t want to repeat the same routine.

I armed myself with a pocket full of treats as I headed back upstairs. Soulless followed a few minutes later after a pit stop at his feeding station. When he came upstairs and nosed his way into my room, I commanded him up with “come” and gave his favorite reward- usually, this basic command only gets love and cuddles now. However, at that moment his memories of daddy’s growl outweighed the value of my cuddles- treats would have to do.

In rapid succession, really as soon as he could finish each treat, I commanded him to each corner of the bed, ending with right up next to me where he usually falls asleep (until in the night he wanders off to sleep sideways in the bed- like any toddler I suppose.) There I already has Kong pacifier of which I had already squeezed to expose a bit more of the peanut butter to his tongues reach. Before long, he started nuzzling my hair searching for my ponytail holder (already gone,) and after a minute of playing he ended on his back asking for and receiving belly rubs while licking at my cheek.

Doctor last week confirmed my ailments now behind me. My left leg nerve dually entrapped at my knee and hip along with a twist in the alignment of my spine just above my sacrum causing an impingement of the nerve root and a bulging disk at that location. All now resolved. 90 weeks later. 20 months of suffering from what now is known to have been a simple rectifiable issue. That, above and beyond every thing else, hurts.

My body is moving, my ankle is gaining strength. My leg is trying to learn itself again. My brain, whole again. Doctor said this shows the adaptability of the human brain. I asked him- what, that my brain would turn off my leg to the point of it being diagnosed as paralyzed because no one would solve the immense pain it’s been experiencing for the past year and a half? Yes, he nodded.

Nearly an hour an half appointment as he searched for ways to answer my questions.

DHS still can’t seem to approve my case. I can’t tolerate their system anymore. I apply, they ask for verifications, I send, and the case times out over and over. Every number leads to some random person that passes you off to a generic voicemail box. No calls back. Eventually, they say there is no open case, have you tried applying?

I give up. Received federal financial aide check. Have to figure out how to catch up on mortgage and plan for everything else. Looking around, the house is such a mess. Not so much the last two weeks as the last two years, yet the last two weeks did reach a new low of productivity by all measurements.

If not for the dog, I wouldn’t have left bed. Oxycodone IR, instant relief. Doctor gave Rx for half the Oxycodone I’d asked for digitally (after making me wait all weekend, as my euphoria transitioned into intense burning icy hot pain.) He thought Percocet (same thing, except mixed with Tylenol,) would suffice. I took what he sent and took it at 2x the rate. In person, we had a thorough discussion.

Not there to diagnose me in any way at any point, his job apparently is to write proper prescriptions (mostly it seems, to write less pain meds yet- and I tangent- less meds leads to longer treatment which leads to more meds.) I’d done my research and had my own plan. By the end, now I’ve added Lyrica (which I was being given for nerve pain in Florida, yet never restarted here under this doctor,) and I received the full dose of Oxycodone that I’d first requested- with his adjustments to made it a proper prescription I suppose- 4x 5mg Oxy IR per day for seven days.

We also discussed a ketamine reboot and pondered if Oxy would have the same result. He asked if I still had narcan at home. I do. He asked if I had kept it safe from freezing, of course I said, I dodged winter remember. He nodded, yes, in the mountains did you keep it safe too. Ahh, yes, even then (else my narcan could not work if I needed it.

I started the Lyrica first, adjusted THC from 4 grams to .5 grams per day and Tylenol from 4 grams to 2 grams per day and followed the oxy script for a day or two. Most each day in bed, downstairs enough to make sure the dog eats, and me too (though my appetite completely dropped off for a day or two.)

“In bed” might sound nice, yet I’ve been back to my bed stretching exercises. Find a muscle that hurts, then contort myself into a yoga position to lean on it as I ignore the pain and watch TV. It feels like (well, a week ago, somewhat better now,) my whole left side is giant Charlie knot- the entire left side and most of my back and abs.

Do you know what 15mg of Oxy can do? Sit ups- and not just a few. 25mg can numb a body and let gravity pull the weight of my knees as my pelvis butterflies open and stretches ever wider my pelvic floor muscles. Oh, my taint. Let the be it’s last mention- it feels okay again. My left leg is reaching for it’s steps, out and forward- my leg has newfound lateral stability (as my fibula is now back in play.)

28x 5mg, I’m not sure how long it lasted or how many I actually swallowed. The purpose was achieved though- I stretched. Without it, it would have taken a month or more to slowly tolerate the pain, with it, I felt less pain and could challenge myself to ignore it while I mentally started squishing the next pill.

The dog likes to play and I want him to think of me as a dog- the leader of his pack. So, we often play on all fours. Tug of war is as much as a fun game for him as it is a full time workout on my abs. He is strong, and getting stronger fast.

Coming down for a day or two, I kept looking over at my laptop- it on the floor leaning up next to my night stand. Then I would think of what I could write- and usually, as with the previous week- then run out of time to write anytime as I focused on my task at hand. I do like to write high- yet, I didn’t spend a week getting high. I had a source of pain to tap into (my muscle aches,) to destroy the high and bring back a sharpness to my mind.

I did eat some, will work on that, two meals so far today and it’s only 1:37pm. Opening the laptop, I caught up on emails, next I have to catch up on college, starting with an email to my professors summarizing, well, summarizing some of the above.

Now, I new normal again- I think the last time. My leg works, it’s just always tingly. I guess that is better than pain. Steps are slow and my leg is getting stronger quickly, however it is starting from a tremendous low. I imagine it will spring back naturally now, yet my exercises and maybe a few trips to proper gym, will speed the process.

Things to do. Need a dog fence, still deciding on how to allocate the yard for this purpose. Also, maybe a doggie door too. Need to let my brain settle- it can process normally again, its whole self is turned on.

My whole self is present, again. I have finally woken up from this ordeal.

Time to go.

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