Delay is the worse form of denial. I heard that the other day on TV and it seems to have a true ring to it. I know I have an issue with delaying things and I have to wonder how that translates into denying something? Denying the inevitable? Denying myself the peaceful time enjoying of a task complete in trade for the time gained beforehand in delay?
Two hours ago I was done with dinner and wanted to sit down. I should have done the dishes and written this post first. While sitting and watching TV and playing on my phone I often contemplated doing one or the other. Well, I pretty much always knew I’d leave the dishes for the morning while just thinking about someday developing the habit to do them right after dinner- I did keep thinking about this post. Mostly that I want to start posting early.
I’ve been planning for nine, and that becomes eleven and sometimes one. I don’t care so much about what time I post rather that I don’t get to go to sleep until it is complete. And going to sleep late or sleeping in here or there doesn’t bother me here and there, it’s actually quite nice. Yet the rapid progression of sleeping in later and later for two or three days, and I know I need to watch it before my sleep schedule slips. Really, it already has. For months the sunlight controlled my day and waking within twenty minutes of dawn was the norm. Yet here I sleep in a room with no sun and historically, my sleep schedule has never been routine for any significant length of time.
Today I got up at ten. Feeling good too. I have been pushing my legs so hard since I’ve been back and my left leg and ankle are really responding well to it. With the static stretches I have regained, I think, almost all flexibility in my ankle, leg, and knee, passively at least. I can squat with both legs and oh, does it feel so good, until it starts to burn. The muscles to have a lot of growing to do. I can’t stand from that position, yet this is the first time I’ve been able to get down that far and really release all of my weight onto my legs and ankles.
The first few times it felt like the movement was being blocked by swelling or cartilage inside the ankle joint. As I’ve forced my weight down to compress the joint further, slowly over the last week, alway compressing to point of pain I’m willing to endure then holding the position for as long as possible. This of course makes me very nervous and anxious, as it’s the exact thing I was doing when I broke my leg last time. Now, I take a lot more precaution to support my weight as to not overload it because it’s taken me five months of recovery on the tib fib break on top of every thing else since the original incident.
Slowly since I’ve been back, though it sped up in just the last day or two, I can squat fully on both legs without otherwise supporting myself. This is also taking out some of the pain in each step as the underside of my foot is stretching out more and is being easier for me to keep unclenched as I walk. As I walk. My walking in general has really improved (another notch, in the long perspective,) since I’ve been back. Just as each other stage of this journey has gone, I’ve found the right environment for the next steps (haha.) Flat and level on every step is letting my legs rebuild their muscle memory.
It works best when I’m here at home. Sometimes, sometimes just briefly, I’ll be moving about doing something or other and almost forget that I am, or I was hurt. Just moving the TV’s and printer around (both big and heavy,) kind of shocked me that I was able. Moving through the house, even up and down the steps, to slightly lesser extent, feels like I’m moving around just as quickly as before. My left leg is beginning to move itself autonomously around obstacles (have I mentioned, I have a somewhat cluttered house) without my direct supervision and instruction. My brain is getting back in the habit of using my peripheral and handling the eye leg coordination in the background.
When I’m home, relaxed and comfortable it’s getting that good (usually in the late afternoon or early evening, gone with the morning soreness, stretched out from whatever work or working was done, then a few nice hours before they get sore again by the end of the day.) However, every time I step outside a wind blows a chill rises up my spine and sometimes- depending where I’m at and what the walking surface looks like- the hairs on the back of my neck will tense along with the rest of my body. I’ll feel the tightness in my leg and apart from the strength I’ve gained it’s back to walking the way it did six months ago.
Maybe I am destined to find some online job, then I could become a recluse, never to leave the house again… hmm.
We’ll just leave that there. Though an online job does sound good. Especially now that I’ve got my standup desk. Maybe some call center job where I can just walk around my house with a headset on, as quick as it would be to walk right back to my standup workstation for a few keystrokes to log a call or serve up the next one, however that works. One thing I suppose that makes the next job hard to except, is that in all likeliness whatever I end up in will be entry level. Who knows. (Well I know who knows.. it’s a rhetorical question.)
Finally, after almost a week, several phone calls, and three or four trips, I got over to Action Discount and sold my twenty two compact pistol. It was a nice weapon, my first, yet since I upgraded to the nine I really have no need for it. Secondly, it’s an extra liability for me to ensure it’s constant security. Such as, for the roadtrip I had to bring both weapons with me and always had at least one locked in my vehicle the entire time. Better than leaving locked up at home in Jackson unattended for that long, yet all the same not the best course either. Now I’m a minimalist in the firearms department too- no more than I can carry.
Tomorrow I’ve got a small list of work I want to do. One) investigate the Jackson College website, as I may be able to sign myself up for the classes without going into the college (back to that recluse thing..) Two) create an abbreviated and polished version of my resume for dissemination to prospective employers. Three) make a list of prospective employers.. and here I could use some help.
With a multifaceted, jack-of-all-trades from IT to Skydiving, yet now taking a “lateral transition” into a brand new career opportunity.. what should I do? Seems like fast food is paying fifteen an hour now.. though, I don’t really think going back into a restaurant is in my future. I’ve always thought some kind of sales job might be natural for me, yet I also can’t picture myself selling real estate or life insurance. Shop work? Certainly the area manufactures are hiring- though I can’t stand on my feet for that long (in public.)
At home I can stop to stretch, bend over or squat each time my leg or side cramp up or some odd wave of pain strikes as I’m taking a step. As hard as I push myself, my comfy chair is just right over in the corner. Not so much when you’re on the shop floor or the sales floor. I really can’t imagine any brick and mortar physical employer that would be willing to put me to work. Who would hire someone in my condition?
That my friends is not a rhetorical question. Who would hire someone in my condition? Blank slate here (within the local area or online.) Anything goes, specific ideas, general ideas, specific employers, general types of jobs, general types of entry level, experienced based, no degree required job opportunities.
Some of my readers I’ve already asked this question in person for those of you I may not see regularly, please comment your ideas, suggestions or any feedback on the Facebook Page!
Time to rest.