Another good day. A day will less motivation, yet still a good day. Up early and downstairs by shortly after seven, I slowly warmed up my (tobacco) pipe and enjoyed the aroma of my vanilla cavendish, without nauseating myself- that’s a win. Though, that leisure slowed the time of this morning routine, usually finished by eight thirty, I found myself relaxing well into the third hour of the today show.
I did force myself back upstairs to timely take my pills, but I delay (and eventually skipped,) a shower today. I feel comfortable with that. It’s only been the last four or five weeks that item has been on my daily check off list, a lazy day is okay.
I’m glad that I did not rush and send the letter to my doctor yesterday. I had all the right information in there, yet there were a lot of my opinions also, improperly stated, implied or inferred as known fact. Most especially with this conversation, if I don’t recognize that I am speaking (writing?) to people much higher than myself on the scale of medical knowledge, then I would be speaking to the wrong people. Please, for any that choose to be a participatory audience, please critique my use of truth in that letter- if you came directly to the website, please visit this post on the Facebook page to comment:
This is a skill I am practicing in my writing, to write truth. Truth? That word changes meaning when it’s capitalized. Some words are simple, some mean so little. Some words, are near-absolutely meaningless, their use is almost fully context sensitive with no universal implication of meaning (or almost always in any way but their definitions,) “fuck”, “shit”, “ass”, they’ll be substituted for another part of sentence in any which way. “The fuck.”, “No shit.”, “Bad ass.”.
Some words, therefore some sentences are more full. More letters and more words? No, more ideas, feelings, and beliefs. Ideas are hopefully shared, however the feelings and beliefs are either yours or mine. Obviously, I’m sure I don’t need to point out- all of the feelings and beliefs written on my website are mine. I only share them with you so that I can communicate ideas. I gladly accept your feelings and beliefs if you would like to share them on my Facebook page, then we will know if I can communicate ideas.
It’s easier to see when I talk to another person. The other day with my friend we talked about all kinds of plans, and they all sounded good to me, so I kept suggesting tips. He accepted some, rejected others and we discussed the merits of our ideas for his next steps forward. The topics kept changing, and our words moved from one vocabulary set to the next. The way I take notes is a jumbled mess. Reading paper is usually so “left right, up down.” Things never make sense to me like that, at least not at first.
I like big legal pads, I suppose I note in what might be called “bubble plots”, also called wasting paper. Half a dozen words scrawled in large print in the middle- I use it like a large post-it note. If a conversation goes on (and this is decades long habit,) I try to keep it all on one page. My writing has to get smaller, and I suppose I try to ‘sort’ things out as they come at me, and before I write down the things that need to be remembered (those that oppose existing knowledge,) I try to ‘place’ it properly on my page, grouping like items together.
When I can’t figure some parts out, then I have to go into story mode: just writing words linear as they come even if I don’t know why. Those become ‘paragraphs’ sometimes, when the stream of unfigured parts goes on. (Ohh, this feels like a bad game of Tetris.) I’ll squeeze all the details together, sometimes tiny print all up in the corners. If a story seems to “jump”, I’ll move to a new spot on my page. Usually this is two or three times. Usually, I do not have five hour conversations.
With three full pages, I had already begun to draw lines, circles and arrows, as more details given connected past parts. The conversation kept moving around, back and forth and sometimes, in circles. Reflecting back now, it’s harder to remember the words than that day when I noted them, and if I let them ‘fade out’ or if ‘I just squint’ a little, it’s easier for me to see just the bubbles and lines of my notes on the conversation and focus less on the content of each speech bubbles.
Interestingly, a few notes, then we’ll move on. Each (of maybe 20+ ‘threads’,) continued, until I got so confused I had to stop and ask a question, though when I asked a question, not always did the bubble end, sometimes they would go on. By the end of page three, I had started to figure it out. Each bubble started with an idea and a feeling, then seemed to list beliefs. If I questioned a belief, it seemed to ‘challenge’ the initial connection and his response determined if we moved to a new topic or continued the current one (the separate speech bubbles.)
Forgetting the details really helps a lot, as those are not important to this conversation, rather the movement, the flow, the evolution of the conversation. Next in importance will be the results. The first time my friend and I spoke this year was ten days prior to his recent visit. Our conversation modeled the entire timeline as best we could in the time allotted. I did not take notes of our first conversation, other than whatever I mentally composed when I wrote that night.
If I had to recollect now, I would say our first conversation was much different. Many less “jumps” and some “speech bubbles” ended differently, rather than abruptly after a challenged belief, some would have listed a few questions, or even soft ‘maybe’ phrases, those seemed to end when neither of us knew what to say next. Okay, that’s more than enough about how I take notes, add in some scratches and edits, then I’ll scribble it all out as I move it into a composed, linearly arranged document.
Anyway, I finished it late this afternoon, well early evening maybe. For a lazy day, I did my best to accept myself and try hard anyway.
Having found a comfortable position this late morning, I spent some time of Facebook this morning, my public profile with 1000+ people inside. I often read and observe, and yes I know how to talk- yet the protocol here is unknown (refer to above, if you can infer how my brain reads words.) Some people go around telling people things they don’t know, and sometimes they don’t even know why. They may not know why they’re telling other people things and they may not know that they do not know what exactly, they are saying.
This, generally leads to a lot of confusion, and that usually means someone gets hurt. I don’t want to hurt anyone with my words so I try to keep them to myself- while simultaneously allowing them to exist. Here, JeromyAlexander.com is the place where all of my words are okay. If they hurt you I am sorry, please let me know how. My intent is to communicate good ideas and I am genuinely curious to learn ways to improve my skill set. As no “good idea” hurts people. Well, no “perfectly” good idea. The worst idea in existence might hurt all people in the worst way possible (idk, fill in the blanks yourself on that last sentence.) What might turn a “good idea” into a “bad idea”, right now I think maybe it is poor communication.
So in that reality, depending on my actual skill in communicating (unknown to me,) I am willfully imposing some degree of hurt to the people I choose to practice my skill with. I really don’t like how that makes me feel. Like going around hugging people when you have an unknown sickness day after day to see when you stop making other people sick, to then know you’re no longer sick yourself.
I’m glad I have few friends that might tolerate my interactions online today. Today on my public profile, instead of scrolling for hours, I interacted with the system in a more personal way (I think.)
First, I made a comment about my “crazy” pills on my friend Jeff’s page, he is literally the guy some people call “Mr. GOP” in Jackson County and that earned the “laugh” emoji- just as I had intended it. Then a good lengthy post from my friend Carl had seemed to go unnoticed. I had taken the time to read it, actually several times in the last few days since he posted it. Today, I tried to craft a reply to match his level of care in his composition. That earned a comment, and another one or two. That had brought me back to his page, and I saw another post he had recently made.
Carl is a very pro-LGBTQ+ individual, if he ever heard someone call him “Mr. LGBTQ+”, he might blush- just as Jeff would with his individually preferred title. However- you must ask both of those gentlemen what exactly their titles mean – I do not know.
Carl really thinks and feels Jackson needs a welcome center. I am glad (and very hopeful,) that Jackson doesn’t need one. To think that there would only be one place in the whole City to welcome some people, that just doesn’t make sense to me (and yes, I know exactly what Carl means, I think.) I have known that we have different beliefs on that very specific topic (necessity of a welcome center,) for quite some time.
Yet, this felt like a good time to test my “social ‘theory of mind’ myself”, and I wanted to see if I could communicate the idea that I knew we had different beliefs and that I still agreed with his begun “idea + feeling”. The result, I think indicates a success. He responded with another speech bubble to acknowledge mine and I interpreted (now, my squinted interpretation,) that he received my belief and accepted as agreeing his his “idea + feeling”. A different persons belief did not challenge his belief even though the other belief supported his originally stated “idea + feeling”.
Lastly on Facebook, another friend of mine Terra (ohh, so much oodles of love, hugs, and smiles- oh it permeates her aura and her cup overflows. Unless shit is happening in manifest, then back your fuck ass up,) shared a curated meme with a particular emphasis that I interpreted as “I really mean this and it is important to me”.
I care so much for her that I didn’t want such an important post to go unrecognized. Her post was a good idea and also it was not “perfectly” phrased as other people pointed out- a ‘true’ meaning or a ‘fully accurate’ phrase had not been achieved. Hence, the result: some people might be hurt a little by her post. I then interpreted that she knew this too and that she was worth it.
Terra is worth the risk of offending some people when she feels the need to communicate some she believes is a good idea. I suppose I can say that I perceived some “rough edges” on her message, yet that paled in comparison to the truth it held (the fullness of the composition.) Mostly I loved that she knew she was worth it. She is worth it I know that too. She then loved that I knew it too. We had moment. In that moment I shared some of my core “idea + feelings” too, and she loved my “idea + feelings” too!
Some people think me and Terra are different too (kinda different, kinda different than Jeff and Carl above,) yet really we are so almost identical it’s crazy. (Some ideas I just haven’t let out.) So everyone else (well, if anyone else is even paying attention- what you put online stays online… and likely, no one reads it,) might see two people they think they know saying different things about the same topic and then love it about each other.
Another friend joined that conversation- yet I was anxious and couldn’t find any right words. She is an important person to me too, a spiritual skyfam mother-type, if you can imagine my imagination. I love her equally as I do Terra and I do not know her as well and I feel there might be a different set of rules of communication. I felt like I had a broken leg and I didn’t want to try to walk in to another’s conversation and risk a stumble that I should have seen coming (as I’d feel later in my own review) and hurt her with my choice of words, that was not a risk I could tolerate.
What is that? A choice to not communicate to someone I love because I did not feel comfortable because I do not know them well enough (which, is that inherently reciprocal?) to share my beliefs in response to her shared beliefs about the given “idea + feeling” that was really important to Terra, when it was most likely we all shared the same belief, as indicated by Terra’s affirmations of both, while simultaneously choosing to prolong that specific unknowingness and consenting to the probability of repeat occurrence of the same source of discomfort? That source being my own lack of knowledge and my own unwillingness to trust my love to guide me in conversation to solve it?
Welcome to another trip down the TBI rabbit hole. The rabbit hole has hit epidemic levels. If someone told me COVID didn’t happen (like not that it was fake, crazy, made up, an attack, a coverup, an inside job, mismanaged, illegal, a constitutional attack, a health mandate, a virus, a hoax, a vaccine, a form of control, a failure of Zoom, or any other true faith or true feeling of another human person,) but like if someone told me that it didn’t happen– like, they were seriously like:
“What? covi–what? ‘Masks’, what do you mean?”
And I was all like, you know, the ‘Rona- the virus, the shutdown…
“Shutdown? Are you sick with a virus…? Who is Rona?”
I was like, dude- stop fucking with me.
That situation- even if duplicated worldwide by every person for a day, a week or a year, would not register on the same scale of priorities is the current logically fucktrap I’m already in, though that would vastly, vastly contribute too it!
Admitting I had a TBI was bad enough. It’s the damage no one can see and I believe I am not the first with a similar issue. However, when the results of my MRIs as I interpreted here, were confirmed by my doctor with short powerful words like “correlated” and no, I did not earn a “concur”, yet– I will set that as goal, if a Medical Doctor ever gives me a one word response “Concur.” Trust me, if that ever happens you’ll get my version of hearsay about it that night.
However, I have had to draw lines, my Doctor’s and my Attorney’s words to me are confidential and secure, what I say to them is not. I must be honest and respectful and hopefully to them present true facts so that they might go argue well on my behalf. If what I say is true to my word and if I feel confident to send it to someone with my seal of truth, that that is worthy to publish here.
Does that mean I think my words are Gold? Oh no, no no, no. The opposite, I present my daily findings for the professionals to analyze, you. I am probably wrong about more than I’m right about and that doesn’t matter. My concept of right and wrong doesn’t matter to other people, most especially if they and I do not already share a common set of beliefs and feelings by which we can effectively communicate new ideas.
I present myself for peer review- you and me both- I am human too.
This is my disclaimer, I am working through a TBI issue- to those I interact with, I am sorry, please help by pointing out my errors so that I might improve- or even realize there is something that some others may think I even need to improve. Also, to anyone that I mention a real name, please let me know if you would like me to change it. To those that do not want to be a part of my social experiment, please do unfriend my public Facebook profile. Your consent to be my Facebook friend I feel allows me the freedom to interact in I way I hope is best for us both- please let me know if you disagree. Thank you.
Almost 3k so far, and I barely made it to noon.
Just past noon I was done with Facebook and very happy with my interactions (I had been given two “hugs” and only sent one that came back to the first column.) And I decided to call a friend. I hear people say that people should do this more, I say this too. Today I did it and I called the Narrator. Twenty minutes with someone I have known and loved for thirty years. Diatomaceous earth, TBI’s, swimming pool maintenance.
I should call friends more often. Then I went to pay my last (ever?) AT&T cell phone bill, and thanked their staff profusely, all which certainly seemed to remember my past visits. I tried to apologize… I don’t know how well it worked, other than I felt I deserved an ice cream cone on my way home. When I got there, the tin roof sundae looked even better.
Then finished and sent the doctor note. Lots of thinking today, and I am thinking I am getting better at it. How do I measure? My letter to the doctor was maybe 20 hours effort- and I already knew the patient. What would be the chargeable value of my time if I did, what I am doing, advocating, and if I did it for another person that had issues communicating with others? That letter had a second day effort of polishing as well. If you have come this far, you just read about four and half hours straight of my work, no “new eyes” reworks, just few look backs at the previous paragraph to make sure I’ve followed my straight line, and typos when the red lines pop up.
What value have I conveyed?
Bestest part ever, not sure how it happened- I walked out of my house at just the right time and Fr. Tim Nelson saw me walk out and he spun his car into the bank drive way next to my house. I was shocked and surprised in such a great way. So happy to see him and so knowing what greatness could be found in our just about to happen conversation- and in person- face to face.
Greetings and happiness, his news and mine, revelations since our last conversation, a sharing of my precise medical issues, knowing he understands and loves more than many. He questioned and tested some of the things I said and we came to a mutual understanding, we both felt we knew and loved the exact same who, and we both couldn’t have been happier. We ended by exchanging our current hopes and then blessings, him to me, then I to him- and I told him, just as best as a layman can as I mimicked his gesture and signed the cross in the the air between our mutual stare.
Time to rest.