Motivation is such a fickle beast to tame. Maybe I’m thinking about it wrong, maybe it’s not the lack of motivation to do a task that slows me down, rather a lack of disciple to follow through with my plans, regardless whether I feel any motivation or not.
I do need to adopt a more consistent diet, again. And a better exercise plan- working my body “as hard as I can” each day sounds good, yet it seems to leave a lot of room for lack of motivation, and or and underlying lack of disciple.
Now I could, and well, I certainly have given myself some slack as I did have quite a bit of damage- though now at over three times the stated recovery window, I’ve really had enough. I haven’t included a lot of details, mostly because I don’t “know” (and likely never will,) exactly what the specific damages were, yet the slowdowns have been caused by the spastic responses caused by my spinal cord injury, the spasms and pains in my abs, back and lower spine, and the weakness in my legs caused by syringomyelia. Syringomyelia is a chronic condition caused by a bubble of spinal fluid that got inside of my spinal cord.
Bubbles like this can be created in a traumatic injury, though it would have taken weeks to show up, mine was present on my first MRI’s on the day of my incident, so likely it had been there my whole life. Looking back at my life now, I wonder how much different my life might have been without that little bubble hiding in there. Syrinx’s (what a fancy word for bubble,) reduce the nerve signals that flow past them and can cause a variety of issues depending on what part of the spine they’re in and how large they are, diameter and length. Mine is on the small side at about one mm by one point five mm by two point five mm.
Basically just chilling there and stable my whole life, it would have been reducing that signal flow to my legs, ever since I first learned to walk. Is it the reason I prefer to ride a bike than jog? The reason I’ve heard the term “chicken legs” more than once? The reason if I’m not the boss, I’m usually the first worker to want a break? The reason I’ve looked for ways to work less and work smarter my whole life? After a while, it’s pretty easy to get used to something you don’t know is there.
Now, I know. Also, now it’s not exactly stable either. My syrinx happens to be located exactly where my T eleven vertebrae was compression fractured, leading to a slight height reduction as it’s healed and a bit of a “sag” in my spinal cord right there. Just enough room for my syrinx to start redefining it’s boundaries as it’s wiggled and expanded a bit between the two MRI’s that I’ve had (Jan, July twenty two,) and I’ve due for another to see if it’s continued to amoeba or if it’s found another bit of homeostasis.
For the last year, it’s a constant wonder, what amount of progress could be actual, could be real? For all the questions I’ve asked my doctors as to how much these symptoms will persist, I’ve been given nothing. No predictions, no hope, just pain killers and a “see you in a few months”. At this point, I know better, they can’t guess. Ahh, all this “system” stuff has been on my mind, likely because I know I need to plug back into it, for a moment.
It’s time to get the rest of these parts out of me – if Henry Ford is up for the challenge of removing and returning them to me. Next on the list, a pair of six inch bolts through each of my S/I joints. It’s time to pull the supports, loosen up the rear-end, and see if I can get this dog-leg twist out of the frame. To that end, let’s start a timer today, June Seventh. How long will it take Henry to take out my bolts? Anyone want to take odds? What do you think, over/under on two months?
Realistically, with my message sent tonight, read by my doctor by the end of the week, he could access his upline, a phone high level phone calls to Florida, I bet I could be in the operating room next week if the surgeon is in- else we’ll wait. I don’t care for his bedside manner, and I also don’t use that criteria to choose surgeons. I don’t think he’ll be able to remove my spinal cage (or I bet he ‘could’, I just bet he’s not ‘certified’ or signed off for that type of surgery.)
So what else today? Found the software to create my book and gave it a test run today, worked great.. not ready to cut this off and publish the book yet through, very soon. I think I may try to time the release of my book as a fundraiser for myself for my birthday coming up soon. I’ve thought of doing another “gofundme” or “givegosend”, or trying to ‘push’ those links, yet I am not a fan of charity.
From my very first prayers, I knew I had something to do and within a week I started writing this journey, and now- I’ve got a nearly four hundred page book that I have written. Is it a good book? (Well it’s not THE good book!) I hope so. Does it have a plot and a story line? Hundreds of them, all over the place. Is it clear and concise, proofread and polished? Ah, no. It is a book that I have written, it is the fruit of my labor over the last seventeen months.
It’s what I have to sell that will be a pure profit to me (almost, essentially,) as I can easily host a PDF (or ePub) file on my website and add to my cart as a digital download- it could be as easy as “click, click” for visitors to buy my book.
And why would they? Well, actually, because I sorted it backwards. Actually, forwards the way you would expect a book to read, starting at the beginning. Say you, no not you, you, yes, you. How long have you been reading? A few days? A month? Did you jump on when I went through your hometown? Keeping up everyday on the website is pretty easy I know (and yes, a mailing list is coming soon too,) but how on ever heck do you catch up on the backstory? Buy the book, that is how.
Lose track for a while.. fade away? Get a new job, get busy, get a girlfriend, get fired, get bored, get dumped. Come see me again, I’ll be here. One more day, just one more day writing a love letter to my God, waiting til I can deliver my messages myself. If my writing could entertain or accompany you now, imagine the comfort you’ll find when you come back in a year or two and find me here still (God willing.) Or maybe, that personal disbelief you find when every day there is one more post.
SIDENOTE: I am human. I have blood and bones and a brain composed of organic gray flesh, I am not AI. I do claim to be intelligent- (tongue in cheek,) as a member of Mensa, I can evidentially prove my intelligence to be two standards of deviation higher that average- I am part of the top two percent. If you (and perhaps my Chinese visitors,) are enjoying learning English by reading real (and maybe crazy,) fresh text ever day, that is great- consider buying my book next week!) I mention this, as apparently there is now a ChatGPT WordPress plugin so that blog authors no longer have to author blogs.
So for all that, buy the book. Read it start to finish to catch up, then stay up on the website. Also, there will be nothing in the book that isn’t on the website, so we can both be honest here and say what this is. I like writing, I will write the website. If you like to read, you can read the website for free. I need money, if you have some, you could send me some to download my PDF book (which will be identical to the website, sorted in reverse order.)
So here is the math… If I sold the book for nine nine nine (amazons ‘top’ recommended price for ebooks) and sold just one book in a city the size of Jackson (thirty three thousand,) then also sold the book at the same ratio to the rest of the Country (this is presuming a LOT of reach that I DO NOT have,) that is a lot of books.. just over ninety thousand dollars from a PDF and the last seventeen months, writing the story of my life a few hours every night.
So that will be coming soon.. when it comes- I will be asking for your help to share and push some book sales as I am ever so hope to avoid disability, better to be a writer, even a poor struggling writer (if that means I only get a third of the ninety!)
New personal record on my walk today, and overall, feeling very good today.
Time to rest.