Going to bed

All things in balance, that sounds good. Wise? I don’t know, more like an altruistic fortune cookie. It is as true as the saying “the market always goes up” while forgetting the word “eventually”.

If all things were in balance, there would be no gain or loss, with no red or green there is no motion at all. There must not be balance might actually more true. The forces must be offset and controlled hopefully, and then as be allowed to relieve the tension created between them.

I can’t even write. This day has ended poorly.

I couldn’t sleep again last night until past four am. However, that was good.  When I can’t sleep, I roll, turn, twist, and flop about. The last few nights have just added on a few more hours of exercise. Last night, my left leg made a big step forward. Laying on my side with my knees bent and pulled up, almost like I was getting ready to do a sit-up while on my side, I can lift my left ankle up- at least 6 or 8 inches.

I remember the first time they asked me to do that in PT and I tried and couldn’t. I couldn’t move that muscle, my brain couldn’t send the signal or didn’t know where it should be delivered. CNS, a central nervous system. A system, is it like all the rest? Build for a purpose, refined and tested, improved as possible, both in the far and near terms? Well, CNSs have evolved since time past, growing their design over ten thousand years, my implementation has been running live for nearly forty-five years.

Our brain’s deep reptilian instincts, or maybe a bit of cockroach in the family tree, have given humans wonderful abilities for healing and survival. If not so obvious and already known to me, it would have completely astounded me. To see it work from this depth has been an interesting experience. Never before had I spoken to my toes, or my knee, or any other part of myself.

This morning my first steps out of bed, the “first stand” for the day, was the best yet. I stood up out of bed. That’s all, nothing special. Not a butt shimmy closer to the edge, not a hand on the nightstand. Not a jump, landing on the floor, really I didn’t even think about it. My left leg went out, my core turned me, my head leaned forward and rose until I was standing. Smoothly, in one motion.

The next steps to the bathroom were bliss, sore yet fully stable. I walked on my legs. With stability. My knee felt thick and strong, authoritative when it put its foot down. With each step, my foot flattened out and hugged to the ground, as if never knew the word: resistance.

This has been the day I have been waiting for. No, not done, not nearly close to the strength I need yet enough to know. To know, beyond my own doubts that I will attain the goals that I need to attain.

In the shower, I took a self-inventory, and everything was working great. Pivoting to turn around- in the shower- on my left foot. Oh, this day started so good, I am so ready to be done with this journey, ready to go home, back where I was.

Downstairs, I usually start breakfast and tea, then follow with just a bit of cannabis. I do not like gummies as I can never feel them “start” working. With smoking, I think it’s the tangible action that lets my brain know it can relax. Today though, I just didn’t want to smoke. As my body becomes more able I want to ensure I’m not holding myself back.

Also, today I had a mission. After the last failed effort at the AT&T store, where they “fixed it” by submitting the unlock request by using my business email address on my personal pre-paid account (not even just one AT&T that I’m dealing with here, but two of them.) This item has been on the list two long, now the phone won’t work with either sim card, on either service, and I haven’t been able to answer a phone call on this line since the sixth.

Xfinity says that my number is safe- so safe in fact, they starting billing me for it seven days after the SIM arrived in the mail, whether I was able to activate in my phone or not. And not is the answer there.

I am a calm and patient person and I was for the first whole hour. The second hour with AT&T loyalty wasn’t too bad, that person was nice but didn’t listen. She waited on hold in a queue for an AT&T business tech to answer, which I didn’t know until at the end of the hour when the supervisor broke into the call. Apparantly there is a one hour limit. Every ninety second, she’d come back on the line “still waiting”. Me too.

The supervisor told me she’d have to end the call and direct me to call AT&T business myself. Why would I call them I asked, this is pre-paid phone account?  “It is, oh”.

I can’t right now, I cna’t tell the story, I cna’t repeat things it hurts something- to repeat it, I have to remember it, remember the whole story is just something I can’t do. Hopefully someone with AT&T will see this. Maybe they will fix it. Else, the old phone is gone, suppose I don’t have to worry about anyone calling me back on job application.

Why would they? I wouldn’t hire me. I’m not competent enough to manage a cellphone plan.

I didn’t “loose my temper”, I was still calm and patient, for the most part I swallowed my frustrations, then I reguritated them, chewed the cud a bit, washed it down with a bowl, then spit it back out on Facebook anyway.

Then I went to bed.

See.. that angry demon is messing with me, I know it and he’s not alone today, he’s gonna all kinds of gremlins that like to hang out him. They’re just imaginary, I know that. I can breathe, smile and tell them to go away, some days it just take more energy to do it.

Piss poor writing really, missed the best parts this morning, quickly now.

Had the bright idea to carry both my 15lb dumbbell while doing my floor routine and squats.  Oh, feel the burn, burns so good. Doing side steps, I could practically, well yeah, actually place my foot directly side by side the other (pickup up my left foot, moving it around the front of, then setting it down on the right side of my right foot, then right foot resets itself moving around the back, and repeat.) I went over and over.

Legs feeling so good, I went for the jump rope again, completely futile- other than the cardio. After the Manger hung up on me (sorry I didnt’ finish the AT&T story) I made a choice to go for a trike ride.

Not far, just up to the school riding circles through the lot, pushing my demon back into my pocket.  Now, you might be wondering how well trained this angel really is, yet I tell you, I have mellowed him out a bit with time and he gave me the clear indicators that I just needed to reset my environment.  Go elsewhere, to many buddies for him to play with there.

I am a calm and patient person, if not, I’ll go somewhere where I can be a calm and patient person.

Oh, I’m so calm.. that the fact I can’t log into my Amazon account to publish my book because I can’t receive a test on that number, isn’t even bothering me, not a bit. (Bullshit) Enough.

Time to rest.

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