I could go home; back to Michigan that is.  The house is there, chilling at a cool fifty five, yet it would be up to seventy at the flick of a switch. I can walk well enough to shovel out the drive way now, if I needed too.  It wouldn’t be too hard and if it was, everything can be delivered anyway.  If.. if what? If I let out my last breathe of fresh air?  If my foot hurts too much? If I can’t handle living out here?

Today was great day, that has ended.. well, not how I planned. I’m pretty sure (all but absolute) the alternator is fried on the car.  No big deal, just ran the main battery down to nothing on my trip into town for groceries.  Started it to come home, back to the site that is, and only made it a few feet.  No big deal, I have spare power in the trunk, just had to jump my self.  Started it up, put the spare battery back in the trunk and started to drive off.. made it fifty feet.

Diagnosed my new power switches to made sure I hadn’t wired something wrong, yet everything checked out.. other than the alternator.  Even once started, the voltage never went over thirteen point five, the lithiums native voltage.  No big deal, just replace the alternator.  Will order in the morning and see how quickly O’Reilly’s can get it in.  Drive up there, pick it up, come back to the site, and install it.  No big deal.  Of course, tomorrow is Monday, and I’ll have the take off list to post in the morning.

And of course, I’m already behind on time.  Forty eight hours to pack and move out last time.. yet I’m already past that, due out Tuesday at noon.  No big deal.  Same work, less time, and replace an alternator too.

Driving a car with a dead battery and no alternator is not something I’ve had to do before.  Yet, it was better than sitting in the HEB parking lot.  It was better than sitting dead in the road. (Super nice that someone stopped to give me a bumper push into an empty lot across the street.) Once I had diagnosed the alternator, I knew that jumping the starter battery with the lithium was only a temporary fix.  

One that would only last seconds as the starter battery was past its fumes.  So what to do if it won’t stay running without a second battery attached?  Well, no big deal, just leave it attached and drive home. The hood won’t close, no big deal, a little bit of rope will keep it tied down tight.  No big deal.

I am a calm and patient person and all this no big deal stuff is no big deal. It will work out.  It will work out in the morning.

Tonight, I’m just going to remind myself that it’s no big deal.

Except it is a big deal that could completely fubar my plans tomorrow and Tuesday to vacate this place.  At least for a day.

I’m thinking of staying again.  Staying in Mathis that is.  This place is good for me.  The weather is great, there are so many more trails for me to discover, I am eating well and I am feeling well.  That is good. I am a calm and patient person and everything will work out in the morning.

Today worked out.  I was anxious and had tried to working out my tribulations in writing my last post.  It was hard, I was so angry for so long and I still am.  Packing up a campsite and replacing an alternator would be no problem with two good feet.  Yet, I don’t get to do it that way. I am a calm and patient person and I feel upset.  My foot hurts and I want to go lay down.

It would be easier in Michigan and I wouldn’t have to worry about any of this. No big deal.  Nothing is a big deal there.  I can imagine my legs would be stiff from he drive back there.  And my foot hurts already.  One doctor appointment, likely not even that.. pain relief would be MyChart message away.  Just to relax and recoup and plan the next adventure. Stay to sell the house maybe.. or file the disability and keep it..  maybe get used to the drugs again.

No big deal.

What if this place is a big deal?  I like it here.  This is a good place.  And I think.. I think I help make it a better place.

Well, that doesn’t sound very humble, maybe it shouldn’t.  Maybe I never should have come here.  Would it matter?

I matter. I’m here.  It should matter that I’m here.

The toilet was broken in the mens room (an overuse situation that could be rectified with a pair of rubber gloves.) It’s the stall I alway use as in the other stall, the toilet is four inches shorter.  That is a four inch deeper squat to sit and four more inches to push up.  And those bottom inches hurt.  Nothing I could do.  Nothing except be upset.. yet I am a calm and patient person.

I can still feel that Angry Demon around, I can feel the part that it stirred in me.  I didn’t want to be angry at a stall.  I asked the mother down the street for help as she passed; maybe she could send her little one to unlock the door.  (At first I didn’t know it was clogged.. just someone had locked the stall door from the inside and crawled out.)  I’m calm and patient, yet I’m not remembering all my details.

With a happy expression she said she could help.  Later she sent her husband down to look at it.  I’m glad he helped, he told me how hard it was to crawl under the stall to unlock the door.  I would have been stuck.  Yet, the door was opened, and now we knew the real problem, the toliet was out of order.  Only the short stall worked. I did not want to be angry yet there was not much I could do.

I made a sign “Sorry, Out of Order” and placed it on the stall.  That seemed to help.  It was small, it didn’t fix the problem, yet it could avert someone else from being upset.  That felt good and I didn’t feel angry at the stall anymore.  And it felt great knowing that I knew people I could ask for help.  Diana- I know you’re reading this.. let me just say how much I miss a neighbor that is a phone call away.

I talked to Joe this morning on my first walk.  Later I saw Joe talk to the lady in the walker.  Later I saw the lady in the walker talk to the mother.  The mother sent her husband to unlock the stall, and I made a sign to warn others not to be upset.

Later, Mathew came down to my site, just as I was preparing for my second walk – he walked with me and we talked.  That walk went by fast. Later, the lady in the walker, Christine, stopped by to chat.  It was very pleasant – the Angry Demon was not around.

I get anxious and I seem to lose my mind, my alternator died and I thought of just giving up. I couldn’t walk from town back to the site.  I obviously should have used my phone-a-friend to go back to Michigan were I don’t have to try as hard everyday.

What if I wasn’t here at all? I would miss this place in a way that I do not miss Michigan.  If I went there, I would be going BACK to Michigan.  Yet that is not the direction I want to go, backward.  I want to go forward through each painful step.

I want to walk and smile naturally.  Fustrated, upset, tired.  

Tomorrow will be fine.  It all works out.

Time to rest.


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