Crash and burn

So. Then you have to say something next. Really that is the only key, just keep going. That is sometimes easier said than done. Just like driving though, you want to make sure you don’t go down any dead-end streets and usually, it helps if you have a destination.

I’ve mentioned goals lately, and it is good and I am glad to really have a few right now. The idea that I’ve written three times the amount of material needed for my first book, now to just be compiled (or printed raw,) refined, then start to fill in the missing pages.

It is hard for me to admit, not just now, but before my incident too, that I want things (or people sometimes, ha!) Not that I’m trying to be shy or humble all the time, rather it’s just easier to have had not wanted something when you end up not getting get it.

That also defines a lack of commitment though sometimes shown with weak follow through, and likely.. well depending on my mood when I ponder these things, could be the actual cause of not getting the items I desire more often.

Recovery has taken commitment and it feels like it’s all been paying off since I’ve been back in Michigan the last two months. Now have the necessities of life ever present, I’ve focused on my body alone (well, as you yourself can read back, day by day.)

I have reached the “point of no return” with my body, meaning no return to the dirt. The last few muscle groups to open, the extra inches in my stride forward, it’s still not easy or natural, yet fully – I can walk, I can run (slowly,) and I can jump (an inch or two.) And it’s only getting better from here.

The spasms and clonus seizures have been getting better with the increased strength and I am so ready to go back to work. So ready to not be here. Essentially, it has been just over a year of solitude now since my youngest son moved out.  My eldest son moved in for three weeks later in the year, just before Thanksgiving though that did not end well.

I’m ready to stop smoking cannabis and it seems I just have to get used to this new feeling of “who” I am I guess. I don’t know if this is what other people call a migraine, it is always there floating in the back on of my mind. Depending on the situation it will flare up into the space behind my left eye and temple, and has a tinnitus that will vary in pitch and intensity seeming according to my blood pressure at the given moment.

It was there as soon as I woke up in the hospital in Florida, and they told me it was the drugs. No, I know what drugs do, and this isn’t it. I can be fine and talking or daydreaming along and the brain ache will be quiet and low. Drifting memories, adventurous missions, exciting days and my mind is at ease.

Force it though, direct my thought to a memory needed, a sub-task list to complete an item, or an orderly plan for my own future and the intensity increases and continues to do so, usually until I abandon the task.

Today was good, better than it could have been. I didn’t crash and burn. Just crashed. That’s how I felt after yesterday with the AT&T hassle. This morning (after being sleep at one) I was up early, very early at five thirty am. I rolled and turned and couldn’t sleep.

Thinking of yesterday, it was the first time in six months that I just didn’t want to get out of bed. I wanted to close the door, flatten the curtains, go back to bed, and just… just what…  I just wanted to blow this day away. Rolling around I started to feel something in the back of my nasal cavity, I was salivating. I took a big deep inhale to clear my throat. Oh, I know what I would have done when I felt I crashed like that.

Time for a day or two in bed, to plan the next thought, the next big move, just to lay low a little while until I could come up strong, wasted words that I wouldn’t even be able to remember from one moment into the next. I instantly thought of how I’d have to describe that here… or even how I’d have to describe laying in bed all day while blowing something up my nose. So quickly the thoughts came in order then. No, that’s not how we get things done.

I have not misused Oxycode in over six months now (since 11/2/23,) and well, I suppose I should be ‘better’ of even its significant long-term withdrawal symptoms (whether I was ever able to recognize them myself or not.) This was the first time I’d really thought about it (maybe that is the missing word for my Angel/Demon conundrum,) in two or three months, and I’m glad I was up and in the shower a few minutes later.

I didn’t know the point, exactly, of this website (in any of its iterations, from hopefullysober.com, aeworks.com, jeromya.com, skydiveblog.com, and now jeromyalexander.com) yet, I was absolutely guided to start writing.  It’s been ugly, it’s been real, and sometimes, usually a bit of fun.

I have always thought “I can’t start blogging now, let me get my shit together first.” Sometimes I’d try to push out an article or two, yet never consistently. Because I’m not consistent, ha! Did anyone notice that here?  If I didn’t know better, and I have asked my doctors about this, I might think I was bi-polar, schizophrenic or something else. Yet every time I talk to a friend, I’ll end up reassured that I’m just going through normal shit like everyone does.

So why don’t we read stuff like this all the time? Why isn’t “Great, almost had a relapse this morning,” a normal response to “Good morning, how are you today?” Oh I can pick out the stressor alright, a bit of poor customer service. Certainly, not a reason to burn my day down.

Somehow, I had to start blogging first. Putting it out there, right in the middle of a mess.  Oh, I’m going to link to this page (if I remember) the day I graduate from College. I want to go to college.  I’m going to sign up not less than half time probably full time. This journey will have been the grand end of a twenty-seven-year-long gap since high school.

I though my legs were sore yesterday, the muscles feel destroyed today.. in a good way.  Broke the twenty-minute barrier and set my 1 mile PR at 19:54 minutes. Ate breakfast, a quick lunch (Cliff bar and a Swiss Roll,) and wrote up a Birthday GoFundMe request. I’d been working on this idea for a few days, and it is my hope – oh a dream and a miracle to have collected $300 already – to be sufficient for whatever God wants me to do next.

I feel I am or nearly am physically able to work.  And.. well, after yesterday, I had to think about it.  Maybe, I should look back in my log here and see how long I’ve been off the Duloxetine and Vyvanse.. whether together or one at a time, I think now I have some good notes on how it may be affecting me.

And that was why I didn’t want to crash this morning, for the first time, with this website, this book, I have found a tool and an audience that not only exists inside my mind yet outside of it as well. I have a support group that mirrors my own conversation requirements precisely. Accountability? ha, I’ve got that.

One more word? No worries, I’ve got time for you. You wanna burn down the day? Oh..why don’t you write a note about how that will go… don’t want to? How about you write a note about what you do want? (Okay seriously, does everyone talk to themselves like this inside their own mind? or is it just me?

I want to go to college, I want to skydive, and I want to work enough to do so.

I have to commit and I have to ask for help. So I did, https://www.gofundme.com/f/j6ubg-for-my-birthday-this-year.

Time to rest.