Downward curves

Not every day goes well, I know that and it’s not necessary. Of course I prefer the good days, the nice casual flowing days where I can meander from one activity to the next without even the thought to check the time. Or the days when I wake up excited for some large task or project and it goes well. Those days when you can look up at a mountain (yes, I’m fully aware that that story took place in the foot hills and that I only climbed a tenth of it’s four thousand foot elevation change, yet I DID climb up four hundred feet of mountain,) and make it your bitch. Apologies for that, yet that is how I got up that mountain- I was not polite to it.

Certainly there is some brain chemical or tangled patch of nerves that can explain why we perceive increased physical abilities while in some state of anger or rage. Do then, our paths become wired to become angry or enraged when we perceive we need more strength? Is it as simple as that? Yesterday or maybe it was earlier today, I watched a documentary video and learned that that delayed gratification, as a learnable trait, is generally only displayed in the social animals. To test this a hypothesis was formulated to place a small fish (the cutest little thing with wavy fins and what looked like an octopus for a mouth,) in an enclosure to and see if it would wait two minutes for fresh food. It did.

The point there, is it seems there are a thousand ways our brains, or bodies for that matter, can pick up habits and learn new tricks whether we’re trying to or not. However, all things learned in one context don’t always translate to another.  Say a person picks up the habit to drink a few beers on low days in college then years later go through troubling divorce- well, alcohol cheered them up the first time, let’s try it again. Well for the more severe issue alcohol starts to work, yet it’s not that good of an antidepressant it’s actually very weak, but it works. So dose it up right? Well there is a funny thing, after two beers alcohol becomes a depressant. That’s depressing- better have another drink.

So why do I react in anger or rage (granted very limited displays of either, yet those are the root emotions) when my body gives me pain and weakness?  Does it help, is that why? Generally it’s a light hearted conversation with a stubborn task, as if I’m trying to coax it into my point of view- the view of the task easing itself, it’s not going to do some silly thing like throw a loose rock under my foot. I also tend to anthropomorphize tasks and objectives. Or make up stories- maybe a little herculean mission to keep my mind moving my feet uphill. Those approaches work in private- the excitement of a daydream can keep my foot chugging.

Yet for me to drop the world from the reality that is inside my mind is not something that might go well when I’m in a social setting. Conversations in my mind become audible, the parts of my stories become acted out- no, that doesn’t work for public.  Back to anger. Such a convenient fuel. Not the calm power of the sunshine, rather the explosion of gasoline. Feeling tired? Throw a little anger on it, you’ll wake up. Watch your eyebrows- that burst of energy might hurt some feelings around you too.

So today seemed to go fine at first, I was up late (past two, couldn’t sleep) and was up at seven with no plans til noon. Not feeling like slacking this morning, I was on my feet pretty quick- then right back down. I don’t think there was a problem with the distance I did yesterday, yet I think the pace and the impacts it caused did some damage to me. I just have to hope that it’s the ‘good’ damage type, break down those muscles so that can regrow even stronger.

Good before bad, I’ll say that my ankle and knee have been feeling comparatively great today, like hands down, those wheels weren’t squeaking. My hips however, and my back all the way up to my shoulder blades, pounded and reverberated with every step. Every step. Taking baby sized steps all day to minimize the pain, it wasn’t too bad at home. Just don’t move much, get the tea, the remote, the tray, and sit down. Get comfortable and don’t forget a lumbar pillow. That’s the day I was having.

Until noon. My third meeting this week with Comcast, set by appointment now. For as much as it hurt to be upright and moving, the grace really is that they did bomb completely. Instead of waiting an hour or two in a chair watching them work- or directing me to do it for me- within moments the tech found in insurmountable error and insisted I’d have to come back a fourth time.

I am a calm and patient person and I want to be a calm and patient person, even when it hurts.

I could have been more patient. I was clear and direct. To the tech: I expect you to have the expertise to handle this situation. She blamed AT&T- at that point I left, if the problem still wasn’t hers, she couldn’t solve it. Truly, pain aside, I had good reason to be upset. I took my time and effort to go to the store to be assisted by a customer service representative. God yes, I know I could do it online. I know I could manage that, yet that customer service is included in my bill whether I use it or not.

Why should I have to struggle to learn to use their Gosh-forsaken appified website to process one sale, my own. There is no re-use of that knowledge. That is their role to possess that knowledge and re-use it for our benefit. Rather, after getting home by twelve thirty I did anything I could to relieve the pain, laying flat, stretching, hanging, sitting in various postures. My first trip the hanging bar went very well, the same as yesterday. I almost entitled last nights post as “Good crack” because that’s what I got. I quick series of four or five wet cracking sounds from the left side of my sacrum. Today they came even faster and on demand when I put my left leg stretched behind me as I hung from the pull up bar. It helped considerately, from that point on it the impacts didn’t seem to travel as far up my spine, yet I can still feel the soreness from all the muscles that spent their day clenched and spasming.

For that chunk of day in the middle, I just watched some movies on Amazon prime, smoked a little and tried to ignore it. It’s been a really good week, a great one in comparison to today. I suppose I maybe was a little ahead of myself to be expecting seven good days, one right after another, as maybe I was starting to take for granted my ability to walk a modest amount EVERY day. Six out of seven ain’t bad (isn’t that what Meatloaf said?)

In between all that, I did get the new battery shunt installed on my house solar system, so I’ve looking forward to doing some full system test with it over the next however, whenever.. I need to run the numbers and see what it was take for me to fully convert to solar. Being in the City, I wouldn’t be able to disconnect from the grid, yet just to limit my usage would be great. Yeah, just as a thought exercise I might do that tomorrow, and really, with my usage it might not take as much as I think. Heck, what is even plugged in right now? The fridge, the TV, and my desktop computer. Hmm…

Tomorrow is Sunday. I might go to Mass. I haven’t since I’ve been back in Michigan and in fact, I’ve only been to Mass twice this year. Yet, I remember the message in both homilies and the grace the led me to both.  Yes, tomorrow I need to go to Mass- it’s time to return and say thank you again.

Time to rest.

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