Still here

It’s been a perplexing day, lost in my own thought almost in a standstill.  Taking off to New Mexico vs staying here.  Yes, I want to get to New Mexico for the cheaper camping (living expenses here + house expenses in Michigan = too much expenses.) However, the idea of packing and rushing just gave me too much anxiety to really do much of anything this morning (even hold up my end of a conversation with Kent.). Oddly, it really felt like I didn’t take my Vyvanse, though I know I did.

Staying here is the ‘easy’ choice, the do nothing choice; and that bothers me a little.  Especially after last week with the idea of staying longer at the beach.  It’s far too natural for me to take the easiest option available. So, as I tried to settle with the decision to stay a little longer here in Mathis, I gave myself a lot of stress.  In fact, I still feel a bit uneasy as I type this now.

Leaving Jackson was rushed, a very rushed five weeks to pack and go.  That got better the first time I left the campground for the beach (forty-eight hours,) yet this isn’t a race.  I’m moving to a new place, hopefully a more permanent place for myself, and I deserve to have to time to plan this properly.  Getting out of Jackson was a race against the weather (and a few other things.)  Leaving when I did, I almost got stuck several times.  Had I stayed, snowstorm “Elliot” would have snowed me in and left me homebound again.

I really don’t like to think about what might have happened if I would have stayed. I can’t say I “know” what would have happened, yet I know myself and my history, and the mindset I had (and have to some extent.) I know that a some of it is due to a ten month use (prescribed) of Oxycodone, yet that really just added to the physical issues I already had from my incident, and some latent depression and dependency issues.  Hardest, was my skill at hiding those issues.

Well, I think I had a skill at hiding my issues.  Ha, well enough to get elected to public office.  Maybe I am just as normal as the next guy.  Yet, most people I know with some of the issues I have, display/express them a lot more. Me, I repressed the things I didn’t want to think about.  Yet now, that is all I can think about.  Things I didn’t say.  Only letting myself say the things that supported the image I was attempting to project.  I suppose I’d love to see a survey of what other people think my problems are.  (If you’re reading this, pop over to the Facebook page and let me know what you think!

Somethings I didn’t get done before I left Jackson, even though I wanted to.  The digipeater (now rebuilt, again.) Silly as it may sound, I wanted to mount my GoPro to the car to take a time lapse of the journey (which would have been awesome with the weather changes.) Yet, I never got the chance to get outside and do it (measuring for proper placement is the hard part) and once I prioritized it in the last few days, it was too cold for me to trust the adhesion process.

Both of those are done now, so the next roadtrip will be filmed as a Timelapse.  I’m not sure what battery life I’ll get, so eventually maybe I’ll have to run some power to it.  We’ll see how it goes.  The digipeater is going great now, no more half ass stuff.

Ahh, too tired.  Lots of activity.  I just fell aslept and blinked and hour away.

I’m still here, I need a list of why.  A take off list without the rushsdp{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{bbvbv,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,frrrrrrrrvbb////////////////

blinked, eleven fifty eight.

List a take off list, with time.

Time to rest.