Act as if

That has been my tag line for a long time. A personal mantra that works.  Do you want the job?  Act as if you already have it. Dress accordingly. It works for almost anything, act as if.  Act as if what?  Act as if you don’t need it?  Act as if you may not want it?  Act as if you know they want to hire you more.  Negotiate the terms, first to make an offer loses.

As a high school dropout it was hard to get a job, and hard work, real hard work never came easy to me.  So I put on a tie.

I love computers, they have always came natural to me, I thank the generation I was born.  Old enough to remember three television stations and then cable with real MTV. Dial up internet at twenty four hundred baud to dial-in BBS service that had half a dozen incoming lines and a twenty eight eight hardline to the Internet.  Yahoo via Lynx was my first view of the Internet. I loved to figure it out. And I could figure it out faster than other people.

Didn’t take a Vyvanse today, didn’t remember my pills until it was too late.  That one is powerful and I missed it today.

I kept losing things. I probably spent at least an hour today looking for my keys, three or four separate occasions.  When I hadn’t left my site yet at all.  Tools, my knife, my phone.  I left my phone in the bathroom stall. Another guest returned it to the gate.  I was still searching my site for it when the park ranger brought it down to me.

Yes, a little pot too; now blended down to probably just under ten percent.  Will have to go buy some more of the hemp weed to blend it down further.  Though, I didn’t smoke much.. kinda missed the prerolls from Hoff’s, a good long smoke.  Found more pipes as I unloaded today, my backpack had a backup wooden pipe, I had forgotten about that one.  Had to throw out the papers to make space for it in the tin.  Then the glass one looked out of place and extraneous, so it was sorted.  Also my last tobacco pipe and pouch.

I do enjoy smoking a pipe and I brought that pipe in case I wanted to switch, or needed to due to availability, from vaping to smoking nicotine.  Yes, I should still probably quit.

I was anxious this morning, have been all weekend since the appointment was set.  I think the only thing that made it better was that I knew it was coming and I knew it was coming and I knew I could relax and I knew I could trust her.  Actually, I knew none of those last two things.  Yet Olivia Benson is all of those things and that was the voice I heard asking me questions.  I’ve watched a lot of SVU.

I don’t miss watching TV.  You give it a little time and it takes so much more. More than I wanted to give.

Saw Erica at Hoff’s this morning, working the day shift.  I stayed for a few minutes to help her pass the time.

McDonalds for breakfast to prepare myself and the call came early, that saved me for watching the clock anymore.

My legs hurt bad this morning, walking on the firm ground last night felt great until it didn’t – my left leg missed a step and I tumbled on the asphalt. My PLF is out of practice, rolled from the knee, yet landed square on my left hip, no across the back and to the opposite shoulder.

I like situations when I know what to do.  When I know what role to play.  When I know how to act.  Then I can act as if.

I read my jailhouse letters last week, I remembered parts- I expected more. I ended with my plans to go the the Garage as soon as they let me out.

I haven’t been able to think a straight thought all day, all the stories keep swirling in circles.  If you question me I can answer almost anything like this.  If I know the situation, I can execute a preconceived plan, I’ll know how to act.  Yet in the absence of stimuli (to use my jailhouse word) I go insane without something to play off, something to interact with.  A puzzle, a computer, a pipe.

I don’t hear voices per se, yet all the thoughts in my head are not my own.  Act like this.  Act like that.  Monkey see, monkey do?

I usually don’t type content for clients, not for decades.  Takes way too long to edit, to move sentences. To make my words or ideas coherent.  I’ve read back my journal notes before and can barely remember what I was talking about until I read them all, backwards and forwards a few times.

Raccoons, a rat, and a skunk. And a few deer walking down the street.  For as many times as I was frustrated today, I just sat down.  Over the day, my legs did stretch out a bit, I din’t dare try to do the mile though, probably tomorrow.

I like me on drugs better. Not all drugs.  I’m afraid of some drugs. I am afraid of heroin. I make bad choices often.  Like driving around yesterday and picking site sixty one instead of fifty nine.  You can’t try a needle of smack and go back to where you were before. Most drugs don’t scare me, little of this, little of that.  Kinda down, have some coffee and cigarettes and cocaine, feeling stressed, have a few beers and eat some shrooms. Maintain.  Mind won’t stop talking, smoke some weed.

I can’t afford to be afraid of petty shit anymore.  This demon that is chasing me using everything.  I got my bar. It wants it back.

Snatching at the words to put them down in the right order.

The only thing worse than my productivity today, is to confirm without stimuli and without the right drugs, my mind doesn’t even want to turn on. I could have smoked a lot more and not even let myself notice, that was before. Now, I smoked a little and let myself experience myself and tomorrow I’ll appreciate the Vyvanse all the more.

I skipped a Sunday a week or two ago; yet I planned that for a nap and had nothing to do but walk.  I had things to do today.

Avoid what you don’t know, you don’t know how to act.  You’ll act wrong.  Stay safe, stay home.

Relax, have some fun, take a drink or two.  You’ll like it.

Southern Comfort.

I don’t know how to act.  I know I feel better with a little pot.  I know I like my words in straight lines.  I know I like to set the title as the point I’ll arrive at by the end. I know I like to know what I’m saying before I open my mouth.  With the Vyvanse I can THINK live time. I could write stories every day.

Today I can only say what I know, I want my drugs tomorrow.  I need to plan a takeoff.

Only seventy five of the Vyvnase remaining, and a backup thirty.

How long does it take to write a book?

Time to rest.

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